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 Jack Rikess, a former stand-up comedian, takes the edge off of the world and explains all those unexplained things in a way that will make you either laugh or cry.

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Saturday
Jun042011

Eleven Things Eric Holder Could Say That Would Make Me Happy!


Eric Holder announced that he will be holding a press conference very soon to clarify the Department of Justice’s position on Medical Marijuana. This is what I’d like him to say…

 

11. Marijuana is no longer a Schedule One Drug.

The Good News: Marijuana will finally be reclassified as having medical value.

Bad News: Big Pharma doesn’t like to share…

10. Everyone Can Grow!

For states that have Medical Marijuana, patients will be allowed to grow six plants each. Why not? Most everyone is doing it already. That way, the Man (and Woman) can’t control our stash.

9. Arizona, You Have Medical Marijuana, Get Over It!

It would be great if the highest attorney in the land, Eric Holder reaffirmed that if the highest voters passed MM, they have spoken. This goes for any state that doesn’t like Democracy and the right of voters. I’m also looking at you, Big Sky.

8. We’re only busting deals over fifty pounds.

Until legalization happens, commerce shall continue. We’re still for Johnny Law to go after cartels and the Big Guys, but fifty elbows can be divvied up pretty quick, especially if it’s the amazing purps or some of that Solar Diesel making the rounds. I think fifty pounds and under is a fair amount that one should be able to travel with for commercial purposes, within state lines of course.

7. There won’t be any lists of Medical Marijuana patients or growers recorded anywhere.

Doctors don’t give the State or the Feds lists of their patients who are on Viagra or Ritalin, (and who wouldn’t want to know who gets a little sketchy if they’re not on their Meds?) Why should they give the Medi-jane patients up? In the Time of Grey Markets, we’ll come out, but don’t make us tell you where we live.

6. States need to get their acts together.

There are fifty-eight counties and a whole lot of unincorporated towns (Think Deadwood) in California. Unless two adjoining counties have the same laws, ordinances and restrictions, you’re going to have graft, corruption and more of the same. We need consistent and common-sense regulations within the states, left up to each state what that would be, but for the love of all that is sane, let’s have cultivation, commerce and transportation laws that make sense and work.  

5. Amsterdam is over.

The Dutch no longer want the sounds of the Grateful Dead gracing their canals. For some crazy reason (actually, the Flemish blew it for everyone) foreigners will not be allowed entry into the Hash bars without a visitor’s permit.

This is the United States’ chance for a big toe into the lucrative world of the ganja-turistas. For Las Vegas whose fountains suck the blood of a vanishing economy everyday and then spit it out in a multicolor symmetry five times a day to a couple of tourists dressed in cut-offs, and other destination cities that are having hard times. Here’s your chance!

 It’s time for these sink-holes to reinvest in the American Dream and open our own Hash Bars. Once Las Vegas discovers marijuana, munchies, and cotton-mouth, Food and Beverage directors everywhere will have a new lease on life. This model could be replicated everywhere.

4. If you’re in jail because of Cannabis, Pack your bags…

It is just time to stop. As correctional officials nationally figure out ways to release the least violent and aggressive inmates into our society. Why are non-violent, first-time marijuana offenders going to prison at all?

Because somebody says it is illegal.

3. Users are immune from Federal prosecution.

From this point on, it will be left up to the state you’re in for the rules and regulations governing marijuana. One of the reasons it is easy to get a job in Oklahoma City is because people are leaving there because of Draconian weed laws. You took a chance on gambling and casinos, alcohol and guns. Trust me, after all of that, you’re going to love marijuana. We’re a lot less hard to handle.

2. Movies are better when you’re Stoned.

I don’t know, I just think it would be cool if the Attorney General of the United States came out and said, “ You know, I saw ‘Ghostbusters’ straight the first time, then I saw it high. Man, it’s a lot funnier when you’re baked. I’ll take your questions now if you have any.”

1. We're sorry...

These last few weeks have been very tense for many of us in the Medical Marijuana movement. Dispensaries have been threatened with closures. Banks that do business with the Cannabis industry have been told to open their drawers. Proposition 19 in 2010 had a pretty good chance of passing until Eric Holder came out the week before the vote and said, “no matter what happens with the vote, the Feds will still bust pot smokers.”

 In fact, Eric Holder and then candidate Obama pledged to back off medical marijuana patients and make marijuana a low priority in terms of prosecution. At a time when Big Pharma seems to be making strides and advancements, patients and Medical Marijuana doctors are being deterred, harassed and even jailed.

Some days it is like a bad game of Ganja musical chairs. We’re never sure where to sit.

It would be nice to hear someone say, “Sorry for the inconvenience. We hear you. We won’t smile nor smirk when asked if Marijuana has medicinal value. We will take medical marijuana patients and their input seriously, realizing that they’ve been the only true governing body that has driven the medical marijuana movement since it started.”

“I am sorry.”  

 

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Reader Comments (5)

Couldn't agree more. Unfortunately the government will only approve programs if they have full control over them. I.E. If they aren't making theur share of the money, they aren't for it.

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This is a smart blog. I mean it. You have so much knowledge about this issue, and so much passion. You also know how to make people rally behind it, obviously from the responses.

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