Jack Rikess, a former stand-up comedian, takes the edge off of the world and explains all those unexplained things in a way that will make you either laugh or cry.

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I Want A Gun

       Two things; I don’t do research other than read and watch TV and I don’t have clue how anyone else thinks or acts. I don’t know if I am falling out of touch because I don’t leave my apartment or because I’m getting older and unhip. This is the shit speeding down my mental avenues that I’m trying to sort out...

     I have this fantasy that there is a show called, “American Gun.” In this reality show, contestants would be dropped in a city other than their own and the contest would be to see who could procure a gun the quickest. Any kind of gun as long as it has major stopping power and can kill on command. The fastest time wins. As of last Monday, guns are now allowed in National Parks and in stow-away luggage on Amtrak. That means in can keep your Glock in the luggage rack above you in your Columbine Kids lunchbox. Virginia, leader so far in students killed in one setting in the shortest amount of time, allows guns in bars and restaurants. In Arizona where being not white is still a crime and you need to show a birth certificate to prove that you had human parents, one can carry a concealed weapon without a permit, anywhere. Drink up and don’t piss off that guy next to you with your stoopid Idol talk and sure I’d like to see four more years of a black president. Good luck making it to the car...

      There is a fear in America that someone’s going to take our guns away. It will never happen. There are only two differences between America’s two political parties, guns and abortion. That’s it. That’s the only two issues they disagree on. I don’t want to get into the abortion argument because that is complete bullshit, for this reason and this reason only.

      It has been my experience around the conservative and the very uptight, straight-laced segment of our population, that I’ve learned one hard fact; Wealthy Republicans of this great land tend to produce oppressive, controlling, dominating, commanding, disciplinarian for a parent. For every Mommy and Daddy who say, “Just this one time, don’t embarrass the family.”  There is a flaming gay son or a wild hellion of a  daughter who does love her dark meat. Sorry for the crude language, but there it is. And when said daughter gets the baby bump from H. Rap Negro, off goes Tiffany to Switzerland or to Jersey or Stockton, for that matter to see that special doctor that all of Park Avenue or Marin County knows of and loves and uses. It all Shite...

     As far as guns go...Right now, the Mexican Mafia and other gangs of organized crime are staking out plantations for growing Weed in our National Parks. It is going to get very violent in these coming years. Luckily now your average doofus who has no idea of what it takes to be in a firefight can carry a high-powered, repeating killing machine when taking in the Sequoias and other forms of natural beauty in our government woods. Remember to stay on the trails children.

    Who’ll take this bet...I bet there will be a shooting at...Hmmmm, I want to make this good...I bet there will be a shooting at junior, a Vo-tech in the next week. Any takers? Do we really live in a world where you don’t bet against violence but for the tragic that might may happen? I’m just saying this should change. In complete transparent hypocrisy, I’m thinking of buying a gun illegally. More about that later...

     If you ask me, I think Dick Cheney dying of a broken heart. He is away from the things he loves. “More Wars! More Water for that Board!...Arghhh...Another thing that goes boom for the Real President...More dollars for my cronies. More ice and child’s blood for my cup...I’m alive I tell you...I’m alive!” I think the farther Dick is away from the oil and ill-gotten dollars that pumps from his life’s investments, the more he hurts.

Speaking of Addiction...

      I find this hysterical. Brit Hume is still asking Tiger to convert to Christianity. Why would Tiger go to the team of repression and ‘We’re against everything.’ (Except I would like to state again that I think Dana Perino would be just a little minky that wouldn’t stop until you put her collar back on, or off, as the case may be.)

     It is a fact that your Red States, not the Blue States which almost implies not getting any trim, pays for more Porn, Prosistutes and sex related Internet sites than your more liberal voting sky-colored states. Not to equate Christians to not getting any, there are many a priest and spiritual leader who are getting some major tang, but your average Republican is more likely to be addicted to porn. Hey, I just report what I hear from Fox News and MSNBC.

    I was in Show Business for six months back in ’58. During that period I learn the difference between working in the civilian life and being in the Limelight. In civilian life you rarely ever get the chance to say no to things like, “Hey would you like to do some drugs with us?” Or, “Could I watch you do my wife?” That hardly ever happened to me while I was working the Slurpee machine. When you’re famous, people like to share the light. It’s cool to shake the hand that shook the hand of that person who’s cooler than you. It’s much harder to say no than yes...


     Gary Busey, the poster child for Cracked Melons, is a father again. Weren’t we just getting used to his creepy look-alike offspring popping up here and there in some movies? Do we need another train-wreck of Hollywood progeny forty years in the future? What’s the deal with old guys having kids? They’re the vanity plates of our driven generation to always seem to be young. Vanity Babies...You heard it here first...It will be interesting to see if hip and progressive New York state or conservative Kansas will be the fifteenth state to adopt MM. The race is on...If Shaun White ever wanted to make some real big endorsement money, whatever stuff he’s taking so he doesn’t test positive, corporate American Tokers would love that shit by the gallons to beat their own denigrating drug tests.

       And to the Duo of Greatness, thanks for the constant readership. Your loyalty makes my other friends look unfaithful.

      Remember May 1st is Global Marijuana Day. I’m not sure what is happening but here’s a guess...People are going to meet somewhere and get high. More details as they develop...   

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